As I go through a difficult time in my life of growth and change I find myself drawn back to this little blog of mine. I need to write things down, to process - but my hand can never seem to keep up with my head. The keyboard can't either but at least I can go back and add and edit. Writing my thoughts has always been difficult for me. It needs to sound just right and where do I even begin?

But really, I just need to start. Start where I am - without justification or explanation. Just start.

So, here I am. Still dehydrated from a weekend spent mostly in tears. Feeling entirely overwhelmed by the lies the enemy tells me and the enormity of my sin that continually allows it. It is a pit I feel very much at the bottom of. But also there is hope. Hope of leaving the pit. Of freedom from sin, from the lies.

So it starts here. The vulnerability. The willingness to admit that not everything is okay . To expose the ugliness in my heart in hopes of changing it. Tonight I will walk with a friend and confess my hardened heart towards her, the lies that I have believed about not being needed and how truly I have not loved well because I am too busy self-protecting. I pray I can say the right thing. I want to tell the truth but I want to do it gracefully and kindly. I want to share things that have hurt me without casting blame. I want healing, I want a deeper friendship. And that may mean crying my eyes out as we walk around the public park. But God will meet me there. I just keep telling myself that.

This weekends sermon seemed tailor made for me, for my place here in the pit. First he talked about Moses being humbled. How we all carry around an incredible amount of pride which manifests itself in different ways. The more obvious version of pride is arrogance, but on the flip side self-pity is also a form of pride. It's me saying I deserve better, that what God has granted is not good enough. I would definitely say there are days of self-pity around here but really where I fall most of the time is somewhere in the middle, which he called an insidious and wicked place. The place where so much time is spent in comparison. Of saying "I'm not arrogant like them, and I'm not sad like them"- throwing stones at both sides. It sickens me to admit how much of my time is spent throwing stones trying to make myself feel better. Trying to glorify myself, feel accomplished, feel worthy or better than. All stemmed from some distorted view of self and a complete lack of remembering who I am in Christ. I know I need to find true humility, not lack of self esteem, in order to really be used by Christ. To be able to love unconditionally even when it costs me something and gains me nothing. Because this is what Jesus did. His love for me lead to his death for my gain, not His own.

This leads to sermon part two. God tells Moses that the people's suffering is not unknown to Him. God feels it when his children hurt. He just wants us to be honest with Him, to express our pain and hurt to him. He can handle it. He is the only one with shoulders big enough to bear it. No person or thing on earth can do that, they will always fail me. He never will. And He knows my name and has given me the only thing I will ever need - Himself. He meets us right here where we are.

So this is where I am and this is where I am trusting God to meet me. Right here in this pit with a heart tightly entangled in sin and lies. Needing to be vulnerable and have difficult conversations. And to submit to the Lord my plans and my ideas of how life should be and desperately in need of his deliverance.

Welcome 2013

I've never really been one for New Years resolutions. But I do agree with Jess that we need to be intentional about things. Only when we are intentional about things do things begin to happen. So, these are my intentions for the coming year

It seems like this should come easy...I'm a follower of Christ, He is supposedly in charge of my life, why wouldn't I spent time with Him? But as we keep learning in church, it doesn't come easy. Rigor, as Bill said. It takes Rigor. We have to work at it. Work at making the time, clearing the mental space, seeking the quiet. And I am terrible at all of these things. I guess it seems like it should come easy; I should desire to spend time with God. And I do. I do desire it, yet I still don't make it a priority. I spend more time comparing my spiritual life to others than I do actually building it. I am thankful to be involved in a church and a Christian community where I am continually reminded of how important it is to spend time with the Lord - reading his word, praying, listening... and my prayer is that I can begin to truly see the value of it and make it a higher priority in my life. 

This is a big one for me.... and a hard one. This goal/idea has two facets to it. The first is my attitude towards others. I need to learn to be kind, gracious, and loving towards others at all times. This is the way God loves us and the way He calls us to love others.  I need to show them the same grace the Father shows me. Which leads to the second part of this.... being gracious towards myself. I need to focus on the fact that I am a redeemed and forgiven daughter of the King. He has already forgiven me and pours out un-measurable grace. I need to show myself that same grace. I tend to hold on to things, like, really hold on to them. I still beat myself up about stupid things I said or did years ago. If I misspeak, or embarrass myself,  I wake up the next morning thinking about it and crafting page long apologies in my head when more than likely its already been forgotten by everyone else. Showing myself a little grace will go a long way. 

My grandmother gave me a sewing machine as a bridal shower gift almost 4 years ago. I have yet to learn to use it. But I want to make curtains, and someday a quilt. So its about time I learned! 

I like to write and to document things, I do. I "write" a lot of things in my head but never actually write them down or type them out. Often its because I don't know where to start, or because I don't think its good enough. I'm hyper critical of what I write (see number 2 above). But I need to just start doing it. Looking back at points when I have been diligent to write things down, I love having it to look back on.

I hope to post some updates on these things through out the year (which will fulfill number 4) and I hope to start posting on here more!

Blessings for a great new year!

learning>>>on being content

Why is it so difficult to be content?

I so often find myself comparing myself to others.... their jobs, homes, vacations, craftiness... anything and everything. And when I do that its so easy to start picking my life and myself apart. Things I want that I dont have, things I want to do, skills I wish I had. But its SO easy. Easy to let my mind go there. To feel jealousy and frustration and, well, discontent.

And when I do this it doesn't just affect me. It affects my husband too. It makes him feel like what he is providing me isn't good enough.

So maybe our house doesn't have an amazing outdoor space and wood floors? Yes, we made sacrifices on some of the things we wanted, but we knew when we bought the house that it was the one for us. I felt it the first time I walked in. If that's the case, why do I find myself being jealous or asking myself if we made the right choice or if we could have done better? Why is it so hard to just be thankful for what I have?

This is something I need to be more aware of and working to combat. I need to not let my mind be poisoned by greed and envy and learn to be content with the amazing wonderful life God has given me. I truly am so blessed in so many ways. I pray He will make me more aware of my blessings and help me fight the feelings of discontent.

traveling>>>sullivan's island and kiawah

At the end of August, Jeff and I went down to Charleston for the weekend. I have been to Charleston a few times but always for an event (grandmas birthday, the bridge run) and I've never actually gone to the beach while I was there. Yes, there were morning walks, but never a day of laying in the sun, swimming, and general beach-age.

Lucky for us, Jeff's aunt and uncle live on Sullivan's Island. They just bought a house with a huge porch thats a few blocks from the beach. I mean, does it get much better than this?

We spent most of Friday and Saturday at the beach. The weather was perfect and we had a great time. We were there with Jeff's brother and his girlfriend, and his Nana also joined us on the beach on Saturday. Here are a few pics from the trip.

On Saturday evening on our way back home, we made a little detour down to Kiawah. This was my first time to Kiawah and I am desperate to go back. We were only there about an hour, but it is absolutely beautiful!

And the reason for our hour long visit to Kiawah?...

To take some pictures of my brother-in-law and his fiance right after he proposed!

Overall we had a great little getaway for 2 days that was really all part of the engagement plan. So excited to add Dawn to the family and that we could spend the weekend with them and be there to celebrate their engagement!

living >>> fusion

At the end of August, Jeff and I started serving in Fusion- the 5th and 6th grade program at church. Three Sundays of the month the kids come to their own smaller service that includes a time of worship and teaching. After the teaching we break up in to small groups to talk about what we just learned as well as what is going on in our lives.  I have a group of eight 5th grade girls.

A few weeks ago we had our day retreat at Look Up Lodge. Its a camp 45 minutes north of Greenville with tons of fun outdoor activities. We spent the morning playing group games... picking up macaroni in a field, searching for flags in the woods, and as leaders getting to hide from the students. The afternoon was spent swimming in the lake, going on the zipline, kyaking, and trying out a big homemade three person swing (very scary).

It was a great day and I am so excited to get to know these girls more and walk through life with them as they grow up!

Me and most of the girls at camp

View from the front door last night.... Gods creation is so amazing!

I feel like I know what I want to use this blog for.... mostly to keep track of what I am learning and experiencing, esp what I am learning and how I am growing (or failing to grow) in my walk with God.

Since moving to Greenville we have been so blessed to join a church we love and I am learning so much... but often times it goes in the journal Sunday morning and never gets processed or implemented. Its easy to "learn" all these great things, but what truly makes us mature Christians is learning to live them.

I'm hoping to start using this blog to process and document these things... as well as keep track of what is going on in my life.

Wish me luck!