As I go through a difficult time in my life of growth and change I find myself drawn back to this little blog of mine. I need to write things down, to process - but my hand can never seem to keep up with my head. The keyboard can't either but at least I can go back and add and edit. Writing my thoughts has always been difficult for me. It needs to sound just right and where do I even begin?

But really, I just need to start. Start where I am - without justification or explanation. Just start.

So, here I am. Still dehydrated from a weekend spent mostly in tears. Feeling entirely overwhelmed by the lies the enemy tells me and the enormity of my sin that continually allows it. It is a pit I feel very much at the bottom of. But also there is hope. Hope of leaving the pit. Of freedom from sin, from the lies.

So it starts here. The vulnerability. The willingness to admit that not everything is okay . To expose the ugliness in my heart in hopes of changing it. Tonight I will walk with a friend and confess my hardened heart towards her, the lies that I have believed about not being needed and how truly I have not loved well because I am too busy self-protecting. I pray I can say the right thing. I want to tell the truth but I want to do it gracefully and kindly. I want to share things that have hurt me without casting blame. I want healing, I want a deeper friendship. And that may mean crying my eyes out as we walk around the public park. But God will meet me there. I just keep telling myself that.

This weekends sermon seemed tailor made for me, for my place here in the pit. First he talked about Moses being humbled. How we all carry around an incredible amount of pride which manifests itself in different ways. The more obvious version of pride is arrogance, but on the flip side self-pity is also a form of pride. It's me saying I deserve better, that what God has granted is not good enough. I would definitely say there are days of self-pity around here but really where I fall most of the time is somewhere in the middle, which he called an insidious and wicked place. The place where so much time is spent in comparison. Of saying "I'm not arrogant like them, and I'm not sad like them"- throwing stones at both sides. It sickens me to admit how much of my time is spent throwing stones trying to make myself feel better. Trying to glorify myself, feel accomplished, feel worthy or better than. All stemmed from some distorted view of self and a complete lack of remembering who I am in Christ. I know I need to find true humility, not lack of self esteem, in order to really be used by Christ. To be able to love unconditionally even when it costs me something and gains me nothing. Because this is what Jesus did. His love for me lead to his death for my gain, not His own.

This leads to sermon part two. God tells Moses that the people's suffering is not unknown to Him. God feels it when his children hurt. He just wants us to be honest with Him, to express our pain and hurt to him. He can handle it. He is the only one with shoulders big enough to bear it. No person or thing on earth can do that, they will always fail me. He never will. And He knows my name and has given me the only thing I will ever need - Himself. He meets us right here where we are.

So this is where I am and this is where I am trusting God to meet me. Right here in this pit with a heart tightly entangled in sin and lies. Needing to be vulnerable and have difficult conversations. And to submit to the Lord my plans and my ideas of how life should be and desperately in need of his deliverance.

Welcome 2013

I've never really been one for New Years resolutions. But I do agree with Jess that we need to be intentional about things. Only when we are intentional about things do things begin to happen. So, these are my intentions for the coming year

It seems like this should come easy...I'm a follower of Christ, He is supposedly in charge of my life, why wouldn't I spent time with Him? But as we keep learning in church, it doesn't come easy. Rigor, as Bill said. It takes Rigor. We have to work at it. Work at making the time, clearing the mental space, seeking the quiet. And I am terrible at all of these things. I guess it seems like it should come easy; I should desire to spend time with God. And I do. I do desire it, yet I still don't make it a priority. I spend more time comparing my spiritual life to others than I do actually building it. I am thankful to be involved in a church and a Christian community where I am continually reminded of how important it is to spend time with the Lord - reading his word, praying, listening... and my prayer is that I can begin to truly see the value of it and make it a higher priority in my life. 

This is a big one for me.... and a hard one. This goal/idea has two facets to it. The first is my attitude towards others. I need to learn to be kind, gracious, and loving towards others at all times. This is the way God loves us and the way He calls us to love others.  I need to show them the same grace the Father shows me. Which leads to the second part of this.... being gracious towards myself. I need to focus on the fact that I am a redeemed and forgiven daughter of the King. He has already forgiven me and pours out un-measurable grace. I need to show myself that same grace. I tend to hold on to things, like, really hold on to them. I still beat myself up about stupid things I said or did years ago. If I misspeak, or embarrass myself,  I wake up the next morning thinking about it and crafting page long apologies in my head when more than likely its already been forgotten by everyone else. Showing myself a little grace will go a long way. 

My grandmother gave me a sewing machine as a bridal shower gift almost 4 years ago. I have yet to learn to use it. But I want to make curtains, and someday a quilt. So its about time I learned! 

I like to write and to document things, I do. I "write" a lot of things in my head but never actually write them down or type them out. Often its because I don't know where to start, or because I don't think its good enough. I'm hyper critical of what I write (see number 2 above). But I need to just start doing it. Looking back at points when I have been diligent to write things down, I love having it to look back on.

I hope to post some updates on these things through out the year (which will fulfill number 4) and I hope to start posting on here more!

Blessings for a great new year!

learning>>>on being content

Why is it so difficult to be content?

I so often find myself comparing myself to others.... their jobs, homes, vacations, craftiness... anything and everything. And when I do that its so easy to start picking my life and myself apart. Things I want that I dont have, things I want to do, skills I wish I had. But its SO easy. Easy to let my mind go there. To feel jealousy and frustration and, well, discontent.

And when I do this it doesn't just affect me. It affects my husband too. It makes him feel like what he is providing me isn't good enough.

So maybe our house doesn't have an amazing outdoor space and wood floors? Yes, we made sacrifices on some of the things we wanted, but we knew when we bought the house that it was the one for us. I felt it the first time I walked in. If that's the case, why do I find myself being jealous or asking myself if we made the right choice or if we could have done better? Why is it so hard to just be thankful for what I have?

This is something I need to be more aware of and working to combat. I need to not let my mind be poisoned by greed and envy and learn to be content with the amazing wonderful life God has given me. I truly am so blessed in so many ways. I pray He will make me more aware of my blessings and help me fight the feelings of discontent.

traveling>>>sullivan's island and kiawah

At the end of August, Jeff and I went down to Charleston for the weekend. I have been to Charleston a few times but always for an event (grandmas birthday, the bridge run) and I've never actually gone to the beach while I was there. Yes, there were morning walks, but never a day of laying in the sun, swimming, and general beach-age.

Lucky for us, Jeff's aunt and uncle live on Sullivan's Island. They just bought a house with a huge porch thats a few blocks from the beach. I mean, does it get much better than this?

We spent most of Friday and Saturday at the beach. The weather was perfect and we had a great time. We were there with Jeff's brother and his girlfriend, and his Nana also joined us on the beach on Saturday. Here are a few pics from the trip.

On Saturday evening on our way back home, we made a little detour down to Kiawah. This was my first time to Kiawah and I am desperate to go back. We were only there about an hour, but it is absolutely beautiful!

And the reason for our hour long visit to Kiawah?...

To take some pictures of my brother-in-law and his fiance right after he proposed!

Overall we had a great little getaway for 2 days that was really all part of the engagement plan. So excited to add Dawn to the family and that we could spend the weekend with them and be there to celebrate their engagement!

living >>> fusion

At the end of August, Jeff and I started serving in Fusion- the 5th and 6th grade program at church. Three Sundays of the month the kids come to their own smaller service that includes a time of worship and teaching. After the teaching we break up in to small groups to talk about what we just learned as well as what is going on in our lives.  I have a group of eight 5th grade girls.

A few weeks ago we had our day retreat at Look Up Lodge. Its a camp 45 minutes north of Greenville with tons of fun outdoor activities. We spent the morning playing group games... picking up macaroni in a field, searching for flags in the woods, and as leaders getting to hide from the students. The afternoon was spent swimming in the lake, going on the zipline, kyaking, and trying out a big homemade three person swing (very scary).

It was a great day and I am so excited to get to know these girls more and walk through life with them as they grow up!

Me and most of the girls at camp

View from the front door last night.... Gods creation is so amazing!

I feel like I know what I want to use this blog for.... mostly to keep track of what I am learning and experiencing, esp what I am learning and how I am growing (or failing to grow) in my walk with God.

Since moving to Greenville we have been so blessed to join a church we love and I am learning so much... but often times it goes in the journal Sunday morning and never gets processed or implemented. Its easy to "learn" all these great things, but what truly makes us mature Christians is learning to live them.

I'm hoping to start using this blog to process and document these things... as well as keep track of what is going on in my life.

Wish me luck!

At the end of June, I went up to Cinci for my friend Rachels bridal shower. Rachel is one of my best friends from high school and it was so fun to be a part of her wedding.
The other bridesmaids and I planned a pink and shopping themed bridal shower for her... two of her favorite things.
I was in charge of the invitations and the decorations for the shower. I love event planning and decorating, so I was super excited. We wanted the shower to the cute and fun, without spending a ton of money.
The big spend on the shower was the four Vera Bradley purses. We used these for two things - to decorate and as game prizes! I got a great deal on them from the Vera site during a one day sale and the bride loves them. We hung them on the wall during the shower, and at the end the three winners and the bride each got to keep one. It def made the game participation very competitive!
Once we had the Vera purses decided on, we wanted to tie in the shopping theme. I asked the other bridesmaids to collect their high end shopping bags and also collected a few from family members and co-workers. Then I just used an on-sale ball of pink yarn and tied them into a garland which I hung on the wall. The total cost for this project was just a few dollars and everyone loved it!
I also created some cut outs to add to the flower arrangements to help them match the theme.
The final touch was to really add some personalization. I bought a pack of small pink gift bags, and cut out the letters to her new last name and glued them on the front. Stuffed with a little tissue, they looked so cute!

Here are a few pictures from the shower showing some of the decorations:

Pink gift bag with letters cut out of scrap book paper spelling the brides new last name

Garland made with pink yarn and shopping bags

Table with tasty treats and flowers

Cut out high heel and purse shapes glued on dowel rods

Maid of Honor welcoming everyone to the shower

Playing a game during the shower

It was fun to be crafty and come up with cute and affordable decorations. The other bridesmaids did a great job with the food and games. The bride loved the shower and I had such a great time seeing old friends and making new ones!

movin' south

I havent blogged in forever and it makes me very sad. I have all these posts in my head but no time to actually put them into writing and pictures.

Things have been ultra crazy lately in both my work life and personal life.

On August 12th, Jeffrey and I will be moving to Greenville, SC! I am so excited and cant wait!

I have my last full day of work at SnapAV next Friday, August 5th. Then I will be working part time the next week and packing up our townhouse for the move.

I don't have a new job in Greenville yet, so I hope/plan on using my new-found free time to do some personal creative projects and get back into the world of blogging!

So, hopefully, towards the end of the month be looking for some posts from me!

slacker blogger

I have been quite the slacker blogger lately!
And it makes me quite sad. I have all these posts in my head, just no time to actually translate them from jumbled thoughts to actual words and pictures.
Work has been crazy lately. I'm currently working on a 120 page manual.... woah. Its actually a little overwhelming, but I will get it figured out!
Evenings have been devoted to bridal shower prep! This weekend I am headed to Cincinnati for a friend from highschools bridal shower. I was in charge of the invitations, and now I'm handling all the decorating! I'm so exited to see this pink, fashion, shopping themed shower come together! I will definitely take lots of pics and post them here next week. I really love party planning!
I may try to write a bog post or two while I'm on the plane, but since my laptop has a battery life of approx. 2 seconds, we will see how it goes.

I have an outfit pic ready for ya'll but blogger is fighting back this morning. Ill try later on today :-)

Hope everyone is doing splendidly. And I promise Ill be back soon!

Why is it that designing for yourself is so much more difficult that designing for someone else?
I spent forever trying to come up with a header for my blog... and 'Im not really loving what I came up with.
went to make one for my sister-in-law yesterday and came up with one I love in like 30 minutes!
Now it has me wanting to rethink mine... but I still have no ideas.

Here's the header I made for my SIL last night!

Loving: Glorious Day by Casting Crowns

Really loving the words to "Glorious Day" by Casting Crowns

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living He loved me!
Dying He saved me!
Buried He carried my sins far away!
Rising He justified!
Freely forever!
One day He’s coming!
Oh glorious day!
Oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
He took the nails for me!

Living He loved me!
Dying He saved me!
Buried He carried my sins far away!
Rising He justified!
Freely forever!
One day He’s coming!
Oh glorious day!
Oh glorious day!


Listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xODpgyqGCYM

reckless faith

I am currently reading the book Reckless Faith by Beth Guckenberger.

Beth and her husband Todd founded Back2Back ministries. They serve the poor and the orphan in Mexico, India, and Nigeria.

The book consists of stories about God really showing up, even when you didn't expect it. Its about letting go of our own plans and agenda ans having reckless faith. Its about how sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is sit with them and paint their finger nails. How we have to trust God to lead us and open doors for us and be open to what he is trying to do. Its stories of children being fed when they thought they would go hungry that night and of doing things even when they weren't comfortable or according to plan.

The book is especially meaningful to me because I have met many of the people in the stories. Through out middle school and high school I traveled to Monterrey, Mexico with Back2Back every summer. Those weeks spent there were some of the most meaningful in my life. Having the opportunity to serve others and build in to their broken lives was amazing, and it also teaches you about yourself. You have to learn to do things you might not normally do and let God provide you with strength even when you feel you have none. And he really does do it.

While part of me reads this book and feels frustrated that I haven't had these great "God moments" in my life, it is also teaching me that I need to be open to them and let them happen. Getting frustrated is not going to help anything. And maybe I will never deliver a truck full of food to starving orphans at exactly the moment they need it... but that doesn't mean God cant use to me bless others. Even if its just a kind word when someone needs it.

I need to grow my faith and learn to be more reckless. I need to stop scheduling and planning and be open to what God is trying to do.

If you want to read some amazing stories and be challenged in your own faith, get this book here or here.

Learn more about Back2Back ministries by visiting their website. They are a great organization who does so much for those less fortunate. They are getting ready to open a new campus in Cancun.

I hope to make it back to Mexico someday and take my husband with me. But until then, I have to learn to let God use me where I am.

a change of direction

I started this blog at the beginning of 2011 – a new year, a new blog. I have been a long time blog lurker on several blogs (the priscilla home, old red barn co, Jibber JAB, delightfully tacky…. Just to name a few) and decided maybe I should start a blog myself, but for real this time. I have tried to blog in the past, including a failed blogger and a long love affair with Xanga during high school in which I put way too much of myself out on the internet. 

This blog started as a way to show my graphic design portfolio while I developed my personal portfolio site. Once that was complete, I decided I would use the blog to write about things going on in my life and things that interested and inspired me (think books, music, graphic design). I made a few posts about my current projects I was working on and started adding to the list of blogs I follow.

Soon I realized there were loads of girls out there with personal style blogs who were getting free clothes sent to them and being sponsored just for posting pictures of what they wear. That became the new goal.

But lets be honest.
Am I ever going to get Coach to send me free shoes? No.
Is that a good reason to have a blog? Probably not.

And this new fashion blog aspiration is taking me places I’m not so sure I want to go. I find myself shopping more so I can have new outfits to show my whopping 10 followers (not that I don’t appreciate you all, I really do) and wanting more things, esp designer things. Overall I feel I am just getting way too sucked in to the whole materialism thing.

I don’t want to be the person who buys things just because of the label they have in/on them, or pay more for things because of who they are made by. I find myself “lusting” after designer flats and bags, and tempted to buy things that are usually above my price cut level because of the designer name on them. And its all a little silly. You don’t have to spend a ton of money to be stylish and look good. And it shouldn’t matter who my clothes are made by as long as they look good on me and make me feel good.

But, the problem goes deeper than that. While I still have no tolerance for paying high prices for things… I have no problem dropping 10 dollars or something. But buying lots of 10-20 dollar items adds up, and fast. I can’t just buy anything I find that’s on sale. I am a major sucker for a sale.

My husband and I are very blessed to be financially stable. If I really want to could I go out and buy 150 dollar flats? Probably. But that doesn’t mean I need to or that I should. None of the money we have is truly ours, it is all from the Lord and He expects us to be good stewards of it. I don’t think 150 dollar shoes fall into the good stewards category. That money could support an orphan in Mexico for a whole month.

But still the inner battle rages on… finding the balance between spending a little more on nice things, but not lusting for designer items. On buying things because I need them not because I want them. And having to be patient and wait for holidays to ask for nice expensive items (like the much desired frye boots). And if there is a something expensive that I want, I need to save for it. Make it the only thing I buy that month. Its ok to splurge every now and then, just not all the time. 

So… all that to say….

I am going to be taking the blog in a different direction. I don’t want my life to be about “design.shop.sleep.repeat.” I am more than that, or want to be anyways. I have all these things I keep talking about doing, like crafts (this wreath, and a necklace I bought supplies for), reading books, learning to sew…. the list goes on.

From now on this blog will be what it was originally intended to be… a place to talk about whats going on in my life, things I see that I like, ideas, inspiration, projects, etc. I will still do outfit posts (mostly to brag about the amazing deals I find, if were being honest) and talk about fashionable things because it is still something I’m interested in. But thats no longer going to be the main focus.

So, hopefully in the next few days I'm going to come up with some clever name and redesign the blog a bit as I start down this new, hopefully healthier path.

And coach… if you see this and want to send me some free shoes… please do. Im not against you, I just can’t bring myself to spend the money for you.

another side note: I have nothing against people who buy expensive/ designer things. It is just not how I personally want to spend my money.

Chicago Trip

So, a few weeks ago Jeff and I took a trip to Chicago for a long weekend. It was fantastic to take 2 days off work and spend some time in the city. Its seems so surreal that I lived there for a year. It was fun to go back, but my visit also made me realize that I like the suburbs :-)

We arrived late on Thursday.... St. Patricks day. As you can imagine, the red line was a mess of people. Probably not the best idea I ever had... but hey, thats the day the plane tickets were the cheapest. Our hotel was just a short walk from the Chicago Red line stop. A cute older hotel. The rooms were small but comfortable... and for 79$ a night 1 block from the John Hancock building, I'll take it!

Our first day we slept in then went for a fantastic and overly-filling breakfast at the original pancake house. Man do they make a good, gigantic omelet... look at the size of this thing!

After breakfast, we caught the bus down to the aquarium. I love aquariums. It never ceases to amaze me all of these little creatures living under the sea... each one of them so unique and some so beautiful. Really shows the creativity of our Creator.

We spent a while watching the dolphins swim.... they are just so graceful and always look so joyful when they are swimming. These one especially because they do most of their swimming on their back.

After the dolphins came the whales. O, the whales. There is a little baby one who just kept jumping out of the water. Again... just so carefree and happy.

Here are a few more pictures from the aquarium...

The weather that day was beautiful. Crisp and sunny. We decided to walk back to the hotel from museum campus. We walked all along the lake trail... I calculated it when we got home.... 3.4 miles! It was great to be outside in the fresh air and sun shine, getting some exercise, with great views of the city.

That night, we went up the John Hancock building to see the city at night. They offer a pass option where you can go up twice in 48 hours to see it during the day and at night.

The next morning, we took our second trip to the 94th floor and did the audio tour of the city. The views were cool, but the tour was a little disappointing.

Next, we headed out to Oak Park, a cute little town at the alst stop on the Green Line. The town is full of amazing houses, several of which were designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. His home and studio is also there, which we went and toured. It was pretty cool inside with some amazing details and innovative designs. Sadly, no pictures were allowed inside... but here is the house and a picture of Jeffrey and I.

Our last day, the weather was rather icky... cold and rainy. Thankfully we were spending more of the day at the Museum of Science and Industry. I didn't take many pictures this day because, well, who wants to see museum exhibits? I did take one of Jeffrey doing some chemistry. That kid is so smart. I don't remember a darn thing I learned in Chemistry, and he irremediably rattles off all the elements you need to make rust? Seriously?

We also went and got some tasty tasty cupcakes from Sprinkles :-)

Well, that concludes our trip to Chicago! It was a very fun weekend and I'm glad we went. I think I have gotten my Chicago fix now.... off to bigger and better places... ones we have never been to before! Cant wait!

I haven't blogged in a while... mostly because my husband 'kindly' pointed out to me that no one reads it... but I will just keep trucking and maybe someday I will have some followers :-)

The last few weeks have been busy with the trip to Chicago and last weekends trip to Charleston. I will try to blog about those later today.

I have spent most of my afternoon so far reading blogs from Back2Back... so if you are one of the staff members I just started following and you're wondering who the heck I am... My name is Laura Mahony- formerly Laura Terkosky. I lived in Cincinnati and spent all of highschool taking summer trips with Back2Back. I haven't been to Mexico in over 6 years, but still have such a heart for the ministry there. I love seeing the children's faces and its amazing how much has changed! I hope to get back some day, with my husband in tow, but until then I just like following the blogs and reading the stories.

Spring is arriving here in Charlotte and the trees are blooming! I was so excited to see these on my way to lunch the other day. So pretty.

I cant wait for consistently warm weather!

Also, I am officially registered for the Charleston Bridge Run (walk for me...) on April 2nd. It is a 10K across the longest bridge in Charleston. The bridge is beautiful, the surroundings are amazing, its good exercise, and we get to see Jeff's extended family. Cant wait!

A new year, so I am starting a new blog.

I am going to try to use this to keep track of ideas and things I see that I like... in the world of art, fashion, music, etc.

And maybe some updates on my not-too-exciting personal life along the way.